Hawaii..

It is sooo beautiful here it's unreal. <3

The paramedics drove down my street and I thought they were coming for me. I thought they had heard the screams that roared through the city. I thought the neighbors witnessed the catastrophe that has been taking place all day - the shattering of everything I held dear, the destroyed fragments of what used to make sense, and the self inflicted pain that was my last desperate plea. I thought they knew. I thought they would come up to my front door, knocking like hesitant heroes who are unsure of what to expect. As soon as the door opened, what would they see? An abusive father who wanted me dead, or a robber who wanted to accomplish everything else before sealing the deed with my last breath? What could they possibly see that they haven’t before? 

I look out my bedroom window to see them assisting the house right across from me. Of course. The only thing that exists within the corridors of my household at this moment is a hardworking mother and her daughter, who harbored these events within her imaginative thoughts. Not even words could fully clothe what my heart currently feels. My struggle is silent and transparent. Today, I learned that I am nothing that I once hoped to be. Every part of me hurts. 

But I’m no damsel in distress. Not even the paramedics could revive this.

Sometimes I feel like I am about to shatter into crippled jade, remnants documenting the unexplained theory of the indestructible that self-destructed, all in the name of love. These fingertips have told stories of legendary love, gracing its capacity to rattle even the darkest hearts but there are nights where the cold embraces me in foreign languages, clawing its intentions onto my skin. They whisper emptiness along these silhouettes of our shadows that hide when the moon is out. They’re just shy, I thought. But eventually I would learn the truth, that the sun, though harsh in heat, welcome our flaws differently than the moon does. Under the radiance of light, we cannot hide but it’s when it’s out, that our shadows reappear; like the darkness that just follows. And I feel like, maybe I relate the most to these tailgating ghosts, hovering over in silence. When the stars shine the brightest and when the sun rests on the other side, my heart awaits to be awoken. I have all this love in me, electrocuting the hollow spaces in the attempts to connect; yet there is no collector, not even a lone soul to reap all that I can give. There is a song I sometimes hear, like a silent hymm of the moon that tells me that it’s alright, child. We hear you and we love you back.

Love.

Now, I just think about who else is kissing her. I can't breathe because he only kisses her once-he doesn't care if it's perfect! 

"My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude."